Here we are... almost Halloween, and past Thanksgiving. We have had really horrid weather these past few weeks, but it looks like it is getting better now.

Life keeps moving on the pace it is, and I am looking at doing more things to get myself out, and have some fun. I think I might even try *gasp* dating one day! Of course that opens up a whole can of worms, and the whole going through 100 people to find one that isn't crazy, psycho, only wanting sex, married, in a relationship, etc.

Blind dates can be horrible.... Thinking about it, do I really want to put myself out there? I think I can be happy being single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the patience for alot of the games people play...

Well, I can't think of much more to write about right now, but I will try and write about something a little bit later :)

Well, it is Tuesday morning... today was Lillian's first day on the bus, and wow... it was soooo nice! I walked them to the bus, then walked to Safeway to do some grocery shopping! I love Safeway at 8:15am! You basically get the store to yourself, and having no kids means you can wander at your leisure! No lineups at the tills, and it is just a beautiful time to go! This morning, I am going to clean the bathroom, have a shower, and I might go see about volunteering, or I will do it tomorrow. I am enjoying the quiet, and the peace of the morning. :)

I have been up since 6, so I also had an hour of quiet before the girls got up for the day, and it allowed me to enjoy a cup of coffee, and some relaxing time with the newspaper. What a great way to start the day! I am in a wonderful mood :)

Anyways, that's it for now!

Today was the first day of school for Jennifer. I wish I could say it went off without a hitch, but the bus got lost, and we gave up at the bus stop at 8:20 and called a cab. At least she got to school on time! I registered Lillian for kindergarden, and picked the date she goes for her 2 hour orientation (she wanted to go tomorrow, so she is) and she starts full time on Friday :D

On Tuesday, I am going to go next door to the old age home and see about volunteering a few mornings a week. I used to do that there as a teen, and I LOVED it!!! I am sure I will still love it, and I need something to do with my time in the mornings.

Life is changing, but yet moving along. I moved in with my dad, and I am putting the pieces of my life back together. I love Sherwood Park, so it isn't too bad.

I am focusing my time on the girls, and trying to do things for myself now. I bought some clothes yesterday, and a new purse, and a few books, and was amazed that I spent almost $300! But I needed the clothes, and by looking good, I am feeling good about myself. I am also on a mission to do my makeup and hair every day.

Well, that is what is new in my life. I am going to try and update at least once a week with everything new in my life :)

May 20th??? Jane, I am going to need you to kick my butt in gear!!!! I am seriously lagging in blogger land....

Today, we buried my grandpa's ashes finally. Today would have been his birthday, and we figured a summer burial was better than a middle of the winter one.... It was a very nice short graveside service, and all I could think of during the little service was my grandpa's saying:

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you don't like my sweater, get your hands off my bust!

You would not believe how hard I had to stiffle my giggles during that part of the service... He had such a wonderful sense of humor (quite dirty at times) and all I can think of is that the world has lost a great man... he loved life, and lived everyday like it was his last. Icecream for breakfast, lunch, and or supper was very common for him, and I realized how common when my youngest said he died from eating too much icecream! When he was in ICU, and on the resperator, my youngest said that when they look in his tummy, all they see is icecream, and when I told him that, he laughed so hard, they had to suction him out!!!

I love that man, and I miss him every day. He would have loved the lunch we had after, where everyone laughed, joked, and enjoyed the food. I was tempted to ask for ice cream, but by the time I was done eating, I was stuffed!

Hopefully I will update more... (like I always say, and never do) but I am trying!!!!

Well, it has been over a month since I have updated my blog, and ya know, not much has happened around here!

I am still in headache land, and it has gotten a bit worse, hence why I am awake at 3:20am. Lillian has her preschool graduation ceremony next friday, and guess what! It is the same day as my neurologist appointment!!! I won't be able to go :( at least another mom is going to videotape it for me, so I will get to watch it, and maybe even post it on my blog! Tomorrow morning, I get to go on a field trip with her preschool to West Edmonton Mall. They will be seeing the penguins, getting a behind the scenes tour of the sea caverns, taking part in a sea lion training class, and watching the sea lion show... after all that fun, they get milk and cookies at a nearby coffee place. I have been looking forward to this field trip for a few weeks now, and I can't wait to go!

Man, I wish I could just sleep. The pain in my head just won't let me. The painkillers are doing crap, and I know I should probably go into the ER for something better, but I just don't want to drag my butt in there and wait for hours on end for them to treat me, and then miss more sleep that I could be wishing I could have laying here at home. (make sense?) I have been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and that just isn't nearly enough for me, but the stupid pain just makes it hard for me to sleep, and the lack of sleep makes the pain worse.... I sure am in a catch 22 here.

Oh well, enough whining... maybe I will start getting better at updating this thing, even if I have nothing much to say. A short post is better than no post I guess...

Well, it is snowing... I hate snow! We just got the lawn ready for summer! It is NOT allowed to snow! Snow Sucks! I went outside to take a picture of the snow, and I found out that my phone memory was full... I decided to go through the pictures, and discovered that a Miss Lillian had gotten ahold of my phone and decided to take some pictures..... Here is 2 of the best she took:



And this folks, is why you never leave your cell phone unattended around 41/2 year olds... they DO know how to use it! At least she didn't take a picture of her butt... I can only be grateful for small miracles....

WARNING! The following will be a rambling of recollections from 10 years ago... a story of survival, a story of hope, but most of all, a LONG story since I can ramble with the best of them! Hold on tight, because here we go!

March 30th 1999:

My 4 week old daughter was admitted into the hospital with RSV. She was having problems breathing, and she couldn't keep her oxygen saturation up while sleeping. During her week long hospital stay, I was plagued with double vision and a headache. I went to see my doctor, and he looked me over, and said "I honestly don't know what is wrong. It could be a problem with your eyes, it could be something else. Go down to the ER in the middle of the night, and get checked out. If all is good, I will refer you to an opthomologist." That was Sunday April 4th. That evening, I went down to the ER, started my chart, told them to call up to the ward when they were ready for me, and I would come down. I got a few more hours sleep in, and went down when they were ready. I saw a doctor who looked into my eyes for 2 seconds, and said "It's a problem with your eyes, here's a card, see the opthomologist in the morning."

April 5th 1999:

My daughter got released from the hospital that day! I was supposed to see the opthomologist, but his office didn't open until 9:30,, and it was 7am. I wasn't about to wait around the hospital, so I went home. My headache kept getting worse and worse. I tried my migraine meds, tried a dark room, tried cool cloths, warm cloths, tried everything I could think of with no relief. I finally begged my dad to take me to the doctors office for something stronger. We left my daughter at home with my brother, and he took me to the doctors. Another doctor was on duty, and he questioned me for a few minutes, looked in my eyes, and said "I want you to take this letter with you to the University Hospital. I am ordering some tests, and they can give you something stronger for the pain." I left the office with the letter in my hand, and told my dad, so off we went to the hospital. When he dropped me off, he handed me $40 for cab fare to get home, and told me not to worry about things around the house because Jennifer would be well taken care of.

I walked into the ER, handed the letter to the triage nurse, she talked to another nurse, and after she took my vitals, she ushered me into a room. I was amazed by the quick service! I changed into the gown, and the nurse came in, took her notes, and she didn't even get a chance to finish when they came to take me for a CT scan. They wheeled me away, and I layed on that narrow bed with my head strapped down looking up at the doughnut shaped tube and I remember thinking "If it keeps up like this, I will be out of here in no time!" The CT scan lasted about 5 minutes, and they took me back to the ER. I layed there for 20 minutes, then a nurse and a doctor came in at the same time. I thought "SWEET! I get meds, and I get to go home! All in one shot!" not so lucky. All I caught from the doctors words was "Tumor" "Surgery" and "Thursday". I was in shock. I was floored. While he was talking to me, the nurse was starting an IV, and hanging 2 bags to the pole, and injected me with something, and then after, the doctor who told me he was a neurosurgeon and he would be the one operating, started doing some neurological tests on me. I told him I needed to call my dad, and I needed him to explain this all to him because I couldn't comprehend what he was saying.

I walked to the phone, called my dad, and I can't even remember that conversation. I just kind of stumbled through it, and told him to come. He made it from Sherwood Park to the University Hospital in 7 minutes flat! (It is a 15 min drive at least!) The neurosurgeon explained it all to my dad when he came back into the room they moved me into, in a different part of the ER until they could get me a room upstairs, and he said that I had a very large brain tumor on my right frontal lobe. More tests would need to be done in the days ahead, but he was fairly certain it was going to be non-cancerous, but we would need to be prepared in case if it was cancerous. He told us that he had started me on high doses of IV steroids because my intercranial pressure was "Through the roof" and he was scared of the tumor rupturing and then I would drop dead on the spot. He said that he does alot of these surgeries, and he is the best and we were lucky he was on call.

My head was swimming. I was in shock. I went outside for a smoke, and called my best friend. I needed her! She promised to come down ASAP and be there with me. I had so many thoughts running through my head, and so much of it was panic. I had 2-3 smokes the entire time I was outside, and was pacing with my IV pole. I couldn't think clearly, or rationally, and was grateful for my dad being there, and grateful that at least I knew my daughter would be well taken care of while this was going on.

When I was moved to my room, I spent the first night praying. Praying that I would come out of it alive, praying that it would not be cancerous, praying that I could be normal after. The few days in the hospital were a blur leading up to the surgery. I had 3 more CT scans, and an angiogram where they sealed off the blood vessel feeding the tumor, and when the neurosurgeon told me that he doesn't take risks, I knew at that point I could trust him with my brain.

April 8th 1999:

The morning of my surgery. I went outside and had a few smokes because I knew they would be my last for a while, and I was thinking. At that point, I had decided that I was NOT going to let a brain tumor take me out of this world! I was GOING to overcome this! I was GOING to see my daughter grow up, get married, and have children of her own! I was going to be a warrior! I was going to surpass the surgeons expectations! It was my fight song!

I went back to my room, and they took me to surgery. I was greeted by my OR nurse, and I was pleasently surprised to find that I knew him! He used to be a lifeguard at a pool I hung out at as a teen! It put my mind at ease to know that someone I knew would be there with me through the ordeal! They wheeled me into the OR, and put the mask on my face, and I started counting backwards. Then my eyes opened up, and I looked up at the OR nurses face, and told him I didn't feel well. He said "It's just a side effect of the anathetic, you will be ok" and I said that I didn't feel well, then proceeded to throw up all over him! I went back to sleep, and woke up in the step up ICU where there is 6 beds to 3 nurses. I had my dad and my brother at my side, and it was nice to know that they were there for me. I asked for archie comics, and tried to read them. Of course I couldn't focus on the story lines, and each panel seemed like a new story since I couldn't remember what the last panel said, but that was ok. I was reading.

When the dr came in, I started pestering him to let me get out of bed, and to let me go outside. He said I could get out of bed and sit in a chair, but I couldn't go outside till the next day. I was so mad, and decided to stay up all night in anticipation. Also because the deepness of my sleep scared me. The wonderful nurses in that room gave me a massage with the cream, and were wonderful! They talked to me, they babied me, and they took care of every need!

In the middle of the night, I was moved to my room where I would stay. It was a semi private room on the same floor, in the same ward. I was in the bed near the window, so I could look outside. I spent the night just staring outside waiting.... and waiting.... finally, the next morning, the doctor came in, checked me over, did the neurological tests, and told the nurse she could remove the catheter and I could get out of bed and walk around. He wanted me to have a security guard with me, and I quickly quashed that idea, and we settled on me taking a wheelchair with me. I was happy, because that would mean a guaranteed seat. I asked what time breakfast was, and what time meds were at, and I left my room until then. My best friend Holly and I decorated my bandage, and we ate in the cafeteria or ordered from BP's and just had fun! From that day, until the day I was released, I spent every chance I could outside. I hate hospitals. I hate being in them. I would rather be at home!

April 13 1999:

Release day!!!! WOOHOO! The day couldn't have come soon enough! I was allowed to go home! I went with my dad to the pharmacy on the way home to pick up my meds, and then when we got home, I was greeted by my cousin James and his girlfriend at the time. They told me that they were taking me to Bonnyville to stay in the hotel that they ran for a week so I could further recover, and so they could help me with Jennifer. I packed a bag, and off we went! It was nice to have food brought to my room, cleaning done by maids, and not having to worry about all that stuff.

At the end of the week when I got home, we settled into a routine where my dad would make the formula and bottles the night before for the following day, and all I would have to do was take them out of the fridge, heat them up, and feed her.... change her diapers, and sleep when she slept, which thankfully was most of the time. He would take over with her care from 5pm until the next morning, so I could rest and get some uninterrupted sleeping time so I could recover. My memory was shot, and I had to write everything down. I had no energy, and it took so long to get it all back. It was about a year before all that came back to me!

It has been a hard road to recovery, and looking back on it, 10 years later, I am grateful for all the help I have recieved. I know I left out parts of the story, but to tell it in detail, and to include everything would have made it into a book! This is the longest I have written about it ever!

So here's to 10 years, and more to come!!!!!

P.S. If you are thinking of a charity to support, I suggest making a donation to the Canadian Brain Science Foundation in the name of Meningioma research, or go to http://www.meningiomamommas.org/ for more info on this type of brain tumor. There is a facebook cause on it as well. Just search the causes to find it and you can donate there as well. So little is known about the brain and how it reacts and functions, and little is also known about meningiomas. They do cause damage, they do change lives. I live with migraines each and every day, and I have epilepsy as a result of the brain surgery. Non Cancerous doesn't mean not harmful.

Thanks for reading if you have made it this far!